Preppy is the New Hipster

Like many women that I know I think think and rethink my relationships to a point where they end up one big jumbled mess in my cute little head. I tend to confuse, physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. I tend to confuse my desires to find the perfect partner with the person I happen to be with at the moment. I tend to confuse my individuality with the picture of person I think they might want me to be. I tend to confuse people with similar tastes, at least in film, and general style as being suited for each other emotionally.

Is this emotional immaturity? Is this a case of just not knowing myself well enough? Is this something inside of me saying that I should wait longer before becoming intimate (physically, emotionally, what is the difference?) with someone. I’m not sure. I used to be very insecure with this deluge of emotions that seems to pour down on me at any given time. But that has changed. Recently a friend paid me a really nice compliment, she said that she found my honesty about my emotions comforting and endearing, comforting because she knows she will never be as crazy as I am. That was pretty much the nicest thing I have heard in a while.

I spoke a while ago about embracing my emotional wardrobe, oddly enough after the first time I ended it with RSK. I am comfortable with it. I know that I got back into this pseudo or quasi relationship with RSK because I told myself I was happy with the time I got to spend with him. I was, and he was, but I wanted more, and he didn’t. End of Story.

Once again, I am embracing my emotional wardrobe, but I don’t want to dwell on it. I am going to fill my life with the things I want to do, graduate school, films, arts, friends. So not to ignore my feelings, but I know those feelings, I have had them all before. At a certain point in my life, I decided to stop doing certain things because I knew what it felt like, and I didn’t want to feel that way(sorry to be so cryptic). Emotions are harder to control, but for now I will keep them in check, and look to the other things around me because when you think about it, I really am one lucky bastard.