Preppy is the New Hipster

I have none of it. I am bored and I dont feel like writing my paper right now, and so I have decided that I might write on this instead. Its been months, actually very nearly a year. I'm still not over robert, and sometimes at parties I get drunk and talk about him. its stupid and embrasssing. I dont really care very much. He is still, if you ask me, the person i should be with. I have never been so happy/miserable. Is that too much to ask? A little happiness and a little misery to make it all feel like Im living? I think not.

I also havent slept with anyone in 6 months. Okay you don't believe me I'll say it again. 6 months. I'm actually okay with this. I havent found anyone that I wanted to sleep with. I am generally bored with people, and think they are stupid. The only times I have actually wanted someone is for some fucked up desire to manipulate them into wanting me, and then to try to hurt them. Its not very nice, and perhaps if I knew how to be more expressive about my relationships then I wouldnt want to do this kind of thing. Perhaps then maybe I would stop being attracted to people that are married. For a while I was telling myself I was doing this because I was afraid of commitment. That is bulllshit obviously, Im afraid of rejection, so I dont go for people that should want me, so I can say to myself well they were married anyway, so maybe its better off. I hate what I am writing. I hate myself. Not because I think I'm a bad person, I'm just so fucking cliche, and I try to set myself apart for being honest and real, when really im just as pathetic of the rest of the fucks out there that are afraid of rejection.

Why is this? i dont know. i could be the fact that i slept around a lot when i was younger or that every single relationship i have been in was mentally painful in some way. Isnt it that way for everyone though? I mean okay, so maybe my cases are somewhat extreme. One of my high school boyfriends cheated on me all the time, and I let him, and let him treat me like shit, and still missed him? Or perhaps that I didnt have any meaningful relationships in college bc i faked myself into believng that I was in love with someone that i wasnt for like 4 years.(again this screams fear of rejection). Or that my next boyfriend as it turns out has a drug problem (and did while we were dating) and ended up leaving me for an internet porn star? Oh wait I skipped the dentist that I dated in peru that as it turns out had a live in girlfriend the whole time when we were dating and also was trying to date my roommate at the same time. I mean i tend to reduce it all to robert who just basically lead me on for a year and a half. This is a large part of it, but obviously not the whole story. Oh yeah and throw in a couple of adulterous affairs too.

he says all girls tell me they are crazy? he has no idea. oh who is this he? he is this guy that i want to like me so i can treat him badly. he is kind of cute, ie he looks like robert. I already was a pretty big bitch to him. And Im suprized he hasnt called? shocking really. okay back to my paper. internet honestly isnt a replacement for the real thing, but i dont really feel like boring anyone with this right now anyway.